I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
