Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
