I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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