he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
