i used baking grease as lip gloss
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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