tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
