I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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