did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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