so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
