I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
