i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
