Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
did i just pee glitter
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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