The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
