It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Randomize
