Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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