I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
