So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
