How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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