She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
