Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
