Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
