Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
worst night to have a conscience
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
