the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
