is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
it's like iHOP with fire
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
