How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
