Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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