explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
