Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
