be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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