In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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