Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
