Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
