You just made me feel so damn special
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
