he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
wow bdsm is so cute
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
