Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
then he tried to convert me to islam
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
