listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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