so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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