How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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