I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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