hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
