My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
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The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
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I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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