My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
