Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
