you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
