Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
