i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
