Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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