you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
