I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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