Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
