Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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