I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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