I want to make a zoo with you.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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