it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
