If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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