The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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