her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
