aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
