anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
